(This is a serious article. To see the gag plan filed with the University of Florida, click here)
So it finally happened, huh? You thought all those dorks running around playing Cops and Robbers: Zombie Edition were just wasting their time preparing for nothing. Well, it turned out that Zombies were real. Or, in an effort to be fair to any Zombies reading this page, “individuals suffering from ‘Zombie Behavior Spectrum Disorder’” were real. If you are living in the Sunshine state, and want to keep your tasty little brains in your skull where they belong, then you will heed this list of Survival tips, as suggested to Brasky by survivalist and redneck Patrick ‘Speedy’ Ross.
1. AVOID HOSPITALS. This is where the zombies will most likely begin their assault, and also may be lying in wait for an easy meal.
2. AVOID THE INTERSTATES. This is a no-brainer (lol). Being swamped in Florida traffic (ok ok) leaves you a sitting duck. If for some reason you want to leave the state, we have provided a map with highways in blood red and favorable back roads in cover-of-night black. PRINT THIS. It is a stroke of luck that you still have the internet with this whole Zombie thing going on.
3. ZOMBIES CAN’T SWIM, BUT NEITHER CAN YOU. Zombies may not be able to get to you in the ocean or a river, but you can’t stay there forever. And what about fucking Zombie Sharks? Speedy has a suggestion: “I took the screen offa backa my airboat so I can pop wheelies and shred the bastards.”
4. DISNEY IS A BAD IDEA. So is the Everglades. Zombie Pythons?
5. STOCK UP ON BEER. Speedy seems to think that a few cans of Busch Light will be worth two pairs of shoes and a case of shotgun shells after the apocalypse. Brasky agrees and adds Gin to the list.
6. EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ZOMBIES IS WRONG. You are not a zombie expert and neither are we. Speedy: “I seen them movies got’s the Zombies pukin everywhere. That’s some horseshit.” Bottom line: Everything is going to be weird. Nobody will know what’s going on, and that’s not important. What’s important is not getting eaten.
7. HUMANS ARE NOT NECESSARILY YOUR FRIEND. Studies have shown that 68% of people will use a Zombie invasion as a license to kill whoever they want whenever they want. This is not a movie. It’s not even Apocalypse Now. It’s OH FUCK THERE’S GUTS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.
8. LITTLE TOWNS ARE A GOOD AND A BAD IDEA. Got this idea that some little town on the Suwannee River would make a great hideout til the whole thing just blows over? It probably will. But you’re probably not the first people to think of that plan. And maybe there’s a Zombie IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR! You blew it for everyone.
Speedy was able to give us some final insights into how we can start to prepare for the coming wave of mindless murderers:
“Used t’work with a Haitian sumbitch said they tacked the corpses down with two foot a’rebar when they buried em to keep em from wakin up n’walkin. Sounds God damned genius to me, I told em. He wan’t that bright though, used to mow lawns with em and he couldn’t keep that weedeater off the screen porches. Shit behind someone’s hot tub n left the paper once too. Name’s Smiley.”
“If ya do have to engage em in combat fer God’s sake go fer the head. They cain’t see smell er hear ya afterwards. Ya oughta pick their pockets when yer done with em too.”
At left: Speedy’s cousin String Bean shows off his close range weaponry.
“Ya gotta learn to cook what ya can. They ain’t no ChickFilA after the Zombies eat everythang.”
“If’n ya see one them girls with lotsa tattoos kickin some real ass send her this way, son.”
Filthy bum gets humped by best friend in public. Cameras roll.
Last week I was talking to my boss in our office in downtown Miami office when suddenly something caught his eye – “…wait–is that really happening?” I follow his gaze out the window to spot a man getting vigorously humped by a large black dog — right on the sidewalk on Miami’s otherwise-posh Brickell Avenue.
This is a picture of a man getting humped by a dog.
Instinctively, I exploded out of the office with camera phone in hand and joined a small group of bystanders, all scrambling for a picture and/or an eyeful of the spectacle. The bum seemed at least 2 intoxicants removed from reality, so I was able to casually shoot the following clip….
This went on for about 30 minutes. Eventually the dog humped itself to exhaustion and found a comfy plot of concrete next to his soulmate (who was feeling cuddly)
Enlarge at your own risk
No word on what became of our undoubtedly-smelly hobo friend, but I don’t think there are too many more rungs to which you can slip after the “humped by dog in public” rung. My guess is that he was gang-raped and eaten alive by the other rabid bums that thickly pervade downtown Miami.
THIS JUST IN: FLORIDA NOW 35% COVERED IN WRITHING, ANGRY SNAKES
Pet pythons placed in peri-urban waterways have found their way to the Everglades, and are thus slowly winding their way around Mother Nature’s pale, exposed throat, settling in for a joyless, reptilian kill. Many thought it a hoax when five years ago, a difficult to comprehend photograph surfaced on the internet… one in which a fifteen to twenty foot long snake had apparently consumed a sizable alligator, but in the last frantic throes of the insanity of death, the alligator had exploded from the gullet of the snake, leaving behind a pile of gore the likes of which not seen since Vietnam. Mankind is now embroiled in a war with an enemy which society has used as a symbol of evil since the dawn of time, and the battleground is America’s last bastion of child-friendly entertainment.
“This python jacket is too small ” – dead alligator
Referred to as ‘the python army’ by a not-the-least-bit reactionary and jingoistic PBS documentary, this reptilian force is growing by the minute and is having difficulty sating its indiscernible thirst for house pets, local wildlife, and your neighbor’s adorable three year old daughter. In a swampy environment suited to its mysterious and cold-blooded nature, pythons are currently stockpiling untold copies of themselves in anticipation of a forward assault by rednecks armed with shotguns on sticks and other means of home-concocted badassery. According to a news release in the Miami Herald, beginning March 8th, Pythons are to be hunted and terminated with due prejudice. Whether fighting out of fear, pride, or the sheer need to whoop a snake’s ass, backwoods folk are volunteering in large numbers to neutralize the serpent menace.
“The quickest and easiest way to euthanize them is with a sharp instrument like a machete,” Cole, a snake expert, said while pacing back and forth, addressing a ragtag group of jittery warriors. Those who have already engaged in combat with the beasts describe their struggles: “It tried to bite me but it bit itself,” Mennine said, “I grabbed it by the head and threw it in a bag. You don’t want to end up with a Burmese necktie.”
Though not poisonous themselves, pythons can undoubtedly be expected to enter into an alliance with Florida’s Water Moccasins and Diamondback Rattlesnakes in a last-ditch effort to diversify their armaments. Dade county reports airboat sales are up 1000% ahead of the coming struggle. Local snake-hunter Pat ‘Speedy’ Ross describes his pre-battle pump-up: “I usually get a few Busches in me to get nice and tight, n’ me n’ Fleabag take out bout three harpoons n’ couple a shotties n’ they don’t even care how many ya catch. Makes nice boots.”
“Speedy Ross” shows off a delicious cooked python
At right: ‘Speedy Ross’ — Unfortunately this war is just beginning. Each second that we spend writing blogs and watching tv, pythons are crouching in the bush eating endangered species. We’re getting softer. Ross describes the ghastliness of battle with this sobering image: “When you cut off they head, the whole body keep on squirmin. Still shootin out blood, tryin a get away. Best way to get em’s if you can get em with a lawnmower, gets em into smaller chunks.”
OCK UP ON BEER. Speedy seems to think that a few cans of Busch Light will be worth two pairs of shoes and a case of shotgun shells after the apocalypse. Brasky agrees and adds Gin to the list.
At left: Speedy’s cousin String Bean shows off his close range weaponry.
” – dead alligator
