Pythons Set to Laboriously Consume Florida by 2020 February 23, 2010 2 comments	By Aaron

THIS JUST IN: FLORIDA NOW 35% COVERED IN WRITHING, ANGRY SNAKES

Pet pythons placed in peri-urban waterways have found their way to the Everglades, and are thus slowly winding their way around Mother Nature’s pale, exposed throat, settling in for a joyless, reptilian kill. Many thought it a hoax when five years ago, a difficult to comprehend photograph surfaced on the internet… one in which a fifteen to twenty foot long snake had apparently consumed a sizable alligator, but in the last frantic throes of the insanity of death, the alligator had exploded from the gullet of the snake, leaving behind a pile of gore the likes of which not seen since Vietnam. Mankind is now embroiled in a war with an enemy which society has used as a symbol of evil since the dawn of time, and the battleground is America’s last bastion of child-friendly entertainment.

Referred to as ‘the python army’ by a not-the-least-bit reactionary and jingoistic PBS documentary, this reptilian force is growing by the minute and is having difficulty sating its indiscernible thirst for house pets, local wildlife, and your neighbor’s adorable three year old daughter. In a swampy environment suited to its mysterious and cold-blooded nature, pythons are currently stockpiling untold copies of themselves in anticipation of a forward assault by rednecks armed with shotguns on sticks and other means of home-concocted badassery. According to a news release in the Miami Herald, beginning March 8th, Pythons are to be hunted and terminated with due prejudice. Whether fighting out of fear, pride, or the sheer need to whoop a snake’s ass, backwoods folk are volunteering in large numbers to neutralize the serpent menace.

“The quickest and easiest way to euthanize them is with a sharp instrument like a machete,” Cole, a snake expert, said while pacing back and forth, addressing a ragtag group of jittery warriors. Those who have already engaged in combat with the beasts describe their struggles: “It tried to bite me but it bit itself,” Mennine said, “I grabbed it by the head and threw it in a bag. You don’t want to end up with a Burmese necktie.”

Though not poisonous themselves, pythons can undoubtedly be expected to enter into an alliance with Florida’s Water Moccasins and Diamondback Rattlesnakes in a last-ditch effort to diversify their armaments. Dade county reports airboat sales are up 1000% ahead of the coming struggle. Local snake-hunter Pat ‘Speedy’ Ross describes his pre-battle pump-up: “I usually get a few Busches in me to get nice and tight, n’ me n’ Fleabag take out bout three harpoons n’ couple a shotties n’ they don’t even care how many ya catch. Makes nice boots.”

At right: ‘Speedy Ross’ — Unfortunately this war is just beginning. Each second that we spend writing blogs and watching tv, pythons are crouching in the bush eating endangered species. We’re getting softer. Ross describes the ghastliness of battle with this sobering image: “When you cut off they head, the whole body keep on squirmin. Still shootin out blood, tryin a get away. Best way to get em’s if you can get em with a lawnmower, gets em into smaller chunks.”

Editor’s Note:
http://3.ly/prepare

Tags: Florida o_O pythons snakes