“WHERE SHOPPING CAN PROBABLY GET YOU LAID”
For those not familiar with the company, Publix is easily the finest grocery store in the Southeast. Publix has locations in five states, most of which are in Florida (over 700 locations), and also most of which are teeming with crowds of attractive 18-40 year old women. I can liken it to the Wegman’s or Raley’s of the South, except without the apostrophes. Publix is famous for being a service and selection leader when it comes to supermarket and consumer goods, as can be seen by the numerous awards listed on their website. But aside from highlighting Publix’s propensity to suck its own collective dick, I have decided to step up to the mic and honor their admirable offerings by enlightening our readers of five great beers that most Publix locations carry, and more importantly, that you should routinely drink.
| 1. Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA |
 |
The barrels that Dogfish Head uses to brew their IPAs are made from the ribs of Brasky’s enemies. The 90 minute IPA is the middle ground of their offerings so far as strength goes, which in turn means that it is still a true ass-kicker. The aroma will be sweet like molasses and you will probably get spun on just two of these guys. I must warn you of sticker shock, however: first, you’ll say “Holy shit, eleven bucks?”, then you’ll say “Holy shit, only four beers?”, but hey, you know you spent nine bucks on a single Miller Lite at that hockey game you went to last week, so the least you can do is take a hint and drink some tasty beer. It is an IPA, so expect it to be extremely hoppy and dark in color, aka: bitter, aromatic, and high in calories. |
| 2. Rogue Dead Guy Ale |
 |
Our friends up in Portland, Oregon are real American heroes of brewing, and Rogue has finally made it down to Florida. Although Publix only carries Dead Guy Ale, the flagship brand of Rogue Brewing, you will not be disappointed. Dark and rich, six packs are a little on the pricy side, but once you go Rogue, you… ugh, Jesus, I lost my train of thought. Oregon, beer, hmm… Uhh, the other Rogue beers are also delicious – try the Shakespeare Stout or the Juniper IPA (unfortunately not available at Publix… yet). |
| 3. Harpoon IPA |
 |
If you’re a New Englander, Harpoon ought to be a warm, fuzzy, familiar sight. It should set you back about eight bucks or so for a sixer… It’s a typical IPA, it’s going to be flavorful, slightly bittersweet with notes of citrus. You know what, If you don’t know what an IPA tastes like at this point, you probably just tossed a little plastic ball into a cup then drank the hairy swill from the bottom. So needless to say this is probably tolerable by comparison. |
| 4. Hoegaarden |
 |
What is this fruity shit? I too was embarrassed to admit that I liked Hoegaarden when I first tried it. I mean, who serves a beer with an orange in it? Wait, that’s a lemon? Get over it, compadre. Hoegaarden is Dutch, and although all Dutch customs are not to be trusted (wooden shoes? mayonaise on everything?), they know how to make wheat beers. This beer is archetypal witbeir, which means it’s I-just-took-a-vitamin-and-pissed yellow, and frothy with a big floral smell. Again, a six pack is probably going to be around eight bucks or so, depending on whatever enticing sale Publix is putting on at this point. And here’s a tip: women typically like wheat beers, so when you’re picking up something for a date, if you want to seem cultured to some degree, give Hoegaarden a shot. |
| 5. Orange Blossom Pilsner |
 |
Florida beer isn’t just Landshark, son! OBP is some tasty stuff, and the lightest of all the beers appearing on this list. Not only do the brewers proudly tout their Florida heritage, the stuff is sweet and tasty like Orange Blossom Honey, which we all know is what Brasky uses to brush his teeth. Lower in alcohol content and high in date success factor, OBP is a fun, accessible drink. A six pack is about nine bucks, which is sort of pricey, but supporting local brewing is crucial to success and reputation, so, in that respect, buy the shit out of it, and buy Ybor Gold as well. It too is available at most Publixes. Publices? Publicks? |
In addition to all of these fine beers, Publix also sells Sierra Nevada, Negro Modelo, Warsteiner, Newcastle, Smithwicks, and so many more — I got a 12 pack of Kirin Ichiban for 11 bucks the other night. Damn, Publix! When are we going to be able to get kegs?
Tags: Beer publix review
7 Comments
Absolutely, agree with all of these choices.
I got all excited when I saw Dead Guy on the list, just to find that it’s not even available at Publix. You fucker.
Dead guy is available at my Publix…I wish that their Juniper Ale was though….soooo good.
dead guy is available at the fowler avenue publix. its not in the cooler, it’s on the aisle end display (with grolsch, hazed and infused, and some other stuff)
There’s a Scottish ale called Old Chub that’s carried at the Publix near me – it’s a little sweet for my taste, but pretty good.
Hoegaarden was my favorite when I lived near a Publix. In fact, it still continues to be one of my all time favorites. Simply put, it’s an inexpensive Belgian-style ale that tastes great. I can understand where the comments about its being seen as sweet tasting and thus unmanly, but a man can get tired of drinking imperial IPAs and ESBs all the time.
You forgot to mention the great spritzers and wine coolers, FUCK!