|
|
||||
|
 |
|||
(This is a serious article. To see the gag plan filed with the University of Florida, click here)
So it finally happened, huh? You thought all those dorks running around playing Cops and Robbers: Zombie Edition were just wasting their time preparing for nothing. Well, it turned out that Zombies were real. Or, in an effort to be fair to any Zombies reading this page, “individuals suffering from ‘Zombie Behavior Spectrum Disorder’” were real. If you are living in the Sunshine state, and want to keep your tasty little brains in your skull where they belong, then you will heed this list of Survival tips, as suggested to Brasky by survivalist and redneck Patrick ‘Speedy’ Ross.
1. AVOID HOSPITALS. This is where the zombies will most likely begin their assault, and also may be lying in wait for an easy meal.
2. AVOID THE INTERSTATES. This is a no-brainer (lol). Being swamped in Florida traffic (ok ok) leaves you a sitting duck. If for some reason you want to leave the state, we have provided a map with highways in blood red and favorable back roads in cover-of-night black. PRINT THIS. It is a stroke of luck that you still have the internet with this whole Zombie thing going on.
3. ZOMBIES CAN’T SWIM, BUT NEITHER CAN YOU. Zombies may not be able to get to you in the ocean or a river, but you can’t stay there forever. And what about fucking Zombie Sharks? Speedy has a suggestion: “I took the screen offa backa my airboat so I can pop wheelies and shred the bastards.”
4. DISNEY IS A BAD IDEA. So is the Everglades. Zombie Pythons?
5. ST
OCK UP ON BEER. Speedy seems to think that a few cans of Busch Light will be worth two pairs of shoes and a case of shotgun shells after the apocalypse. Brasky agrees and adds Gin to the list.
6. EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT ZOMBIES IS WRONG. You are not a zombie expert and neither are we. Speedy: “I seen them movies got’s the Zombies pukin everywhere. That’s some horseshit.” Bottom line: Everything is going to be weird. Nobody will know what’s going on, and that’s not important. What’s important is not getting eaten.
7. HUMANS ARE NOT NECESSARILY YOUR FRIEND. Studies have shown that 68% of people will use a Zombie invasion as a license to kill whoever they want whenever they want. This is not a movie. It’s not even Apocalypse Now. It’s OH FUCK THERE’S GUTS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.
8. LITTLE TOWNS ARE A GOOD AND A BAD IDEA. Got this idea that some little town on the Suwannee River would make a great hideout til the whole thing just blows over? It probably will. But you’re probably not the first people to think of that plan. And maybe there’s a Zombie IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR! You blew it for everyone.
Speedy was able to give us some final insights into how we can start to prepare for the coming wave of mindless murderers:
“Used t’work with a Haitian sumbitch said they tacked the corpses down with two foot a’rebar when they buried em to keep em from wakin up n’walkin. Sounds God damned genius to me, I told em. He wan’t that bright though, used to mow lawns with em and he couldn’t keep that weedeater off the screen porches. Shit behind someone’s hot tub n left the paper once too. Name’s Smiley.”
“If ya do have to engage em in combat fer God’s sake go fer the head. They cain’t see smell er hear ya afterwards. Ya oughta pick their pockets when yer done with em too.”
At left: Speedy’s cousin String Bean shows off his close range weaponry.
“Ya gotta learn to cook what ya can. They ain’t no ChickFilA after the Zombies eat everythang.”
“If’n ya see one them girls with lotsa tattoos kickin some real ass send her this way, son.”
1 Comment
nerd talk.