IT (WAS) COLD AS FUCK January 7, 2010 4 comments	By Aaron

UPDATE – Anyone in Florida knows it has been cold (as fuck) for the last few weeks, with some all-time lows being endured. It’s warming up now (Florida winter = 2 weeks), but please enjoy Aaron’s rant.

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It’s a well-worn cliche… it just doesn’t get cold in Florida. Florida is just one big sunny beach with Cubans walking around handing out free Dos Equis and cigars to people partying on skyscraper rooftops at 8:30 AM on a Tuesday morning in February. Pop punk bands write songs about how Floridians are so deprived of the splendor of quiet snowfall. Tourists (aka snowbirds) come from around the world to experience the mild winter and shovel out their hard earned money for a go on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, but I’ve got news for them, for you, and for the nasally singer guy from New Found Glory: it gets cold in Florida. In fact, it is cold as FUCK right now.

How cold is ‘fuck’? I’m talking 32 or less, and that’s zero for our canook friends. Last night, it reached 25 degrees in some locations. As you all may know, Florida is 99% water, and, as science tells us time and time again, water freezes at such temperatures. Even the manatees have said ‘fuck this’ and headed out to Cancun. Obligatory Tiger Woods Joke. Most importantly, how is your 90 year old aunt in Boca Raton going to survive? She’s senile, likes to take walks, and has NO CENTRAL HEAT.  Meanwhile, the headlines of the newspapers read ‘I WOUDNA LEFF JERSEY IFFA KNEW IDDA BEEN THIS COLD!’ and the oranges are shivering on the vines. And yes, we Floridians know that citrus is the only good thing to come out of Florida. We’re trying to save it by spraying it with ice. Yeah. That’s what you do. To save the fruit from the cold. Freeze it.

That’s all I can really say for now, I’m headed out to the corner to sell cheap sweaters for thirty bucks a pop to all the confused Brazilians looking for Busch Gardens.

Tags: cold fruit fuck oranges weather