Florida is characterized by beer distributors and wholesalers as ‘a light lager crowd’, or a major-brand-preferring consumer base, much the same as the general beer-drinking populace of North America. Although a ‘light lager’ is just the sort of brew meant to be enjoyed while lazing on the beach or pounding em back at a college party, what are Floridian beer snobs expected to do? There are many reasons for this barren beer landscape: Florida has a heterogenous mixture of transplant residents with no strong preference for any particular variant of tasty brew, it has the general lack of unique local restaurant chains that could be tempted to serve craft brews (Outback steakhouse and Hooter’s both started in the Tampa Bay area), and a dearth of local craft brewers. Luckily for Floridians, that last driver for the formation of a ‘light lager crowd’ is beginning to fall apart. Craft breweries are starting up all across the sunshine state (there’s a list at the bottom!), and some are producing downright sensational products. One in particular, Cigar City Brewing, is stepping up to the Craft Brew microphone and making a lot of noise.
Cigar City was founded in 2007 by Tampa beermeister Joey Redner. In three short years, Cigar City has gone from ‘Isn’t that brewed in Ybor City?’ to ‘Dude, I love the Jai Alai!’. (Jai Alai is a devious IPA brewed with a staggering assortment of hops… it comes at your tongue with a distinctly bitter citrus bouquet and an affirming alcohol bite). The brewery and tasting room is tucked away on Spruce Street just a stone’s throw from Tampa’s notorious Dale Mabry Strip Clubs. I was in attendance Friday night as they christened their new tasting room/bar, and it was raucous. Taps were changing every fifteen minutes, and local beer lovers got to sample some unique offerings from Cigar City, including an 11% monster of a collaboration with the Bruery, an Orange County CA craft titan. Speaking of collaborations, Cigar City has recently had visits from some notorious brewers, namely Larry Bell from Bell’s Brewing and some of the fine folks from Lagunitas. Their experimentation has spawned some unbelievable suds.
So here come the beers you absolutely have to check out (if you can get your hands on them):
1. Oatmeal Raisin Stout: This is the most unbelievably tasty brew I have ever had, no exaggeration. It tastes exactly like a liquid oatmeal raisin cookie. Sweet, dark, toasty, and with the overwhelming aroma of fresh raisins, this is liquid crack. Worse than liquid crack. Like break-in-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-steal-a-keg good. Made only in five gallon batches, this is truly something special.
2. Humidor Series IPA: The humidor series of brews is aged with cedar in an attempt to give the brews a crisp, spicy finish, not unlike a good cigar. Mission accomplished. This is almost like drinking a bloody mary… pepper is the driving flavor with rich, aromatic grapefruit and currant tones. You have never had anything like this, I can assure you. I wanted to put olives into it.
3. Double Cream Stout: Nice and strong, this is the definition of a goblet beer. Fine latte-like head, it’s got the taste of a good Belgian and the body of delicious motor oil. There is also a humidor series cream stout, if you think you could handle that.
If you can’t make it into the tasting room for an extended session, Cigar City also is innovating a concept new to Floridians but already going strong in places like Western New York: Growlers. Growlers are 128+ ounce jugs that are filled straight from the tap, with the intent that you are to enjoy the local brew in the safety of your own home. Fill ups are 18 bucks or so, and the initial purchase of the growler is a measly six bucks. You can also use the jug to blow into and make that cool sound you’ve always wanted in that cool band you’re in. (Fun Trivia! Growlers are called such because in olden times, people would bring buckets directly to the brewery, where the beer men would fill up the vessels with still-fermenting beer which would bubble and growl as the patrons took them home.)
Other cool links to Florida Brewers:
Florida Brewer’s Guild – Statewide Super-Team
Dunedin Brewery – Dunedin
Charlie and Jakes – Melbourne
Tampa Bay Brewing – Tampa
Seven Bridges – Jacksonville
McGuire’s Pub – Pensacola (beware obnoxious music)
Bold City Brewery – Jacksonville
Swamp Head Brewery – Gainesville
Florida Beer Company – Melbourne (conglomerate of microbrews)
Brewzzi – Boca Raton
Big Bear Brewing – Coral Springs
Time for another Publix dick-riding session! The following five beers are not the craziest, tastiest, or most amazing beers, but they are definitely more cost effective than the last five. These will all set you back about seven to eight bucks a six pack. If you’re not from the south, then you’re probably confused as to what I’m talking about. Publix is a grocery store that specializes in going balls-out for its customers. Its headquarters are in Florida, and the majority of its stores are also located within the penile state. I once read a ‘Laughter is the Best Medicine’ column in Reader’s Digest (the best the doctor’s office could afford) that claimed that a little girl mispronounced the pledge of allegiance by instead saying ‘and to the Publix where we buy our stamps.’ As if the world needed more convincing that little kids are stupid. That being said, we begin our list of Publix-available beers.
| Drifter Pale Ale |
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Kicking off our list is Drifter Pale Ale. This is a mild, tasty offering from the venerable Portland institution Widmer Brewing. Most often I see these six packs for $7.50, which makes this beer, at 5.7% alcohol, a great value for drunkage factor. Ale purists may turn up their nose at the relatively mediocre hops flavor and murky golden amber color present in this brew, but for casual drinkers or people not indoctrinated to crazy shit like DogfishHead’s Palo Santo Marron, it should feel nice on their big toe stuck cautiously in the pool. Widmer is most famous for their Hefeweizen, which is also available at Publix now and then. |
| Long Hammer IPA |
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I will begin with a pointless statement: Long Hammer IPA is better from the tap. That being said, this beer still packs a formidable punch in a bottle. Known more for their ESB (extra special bitter), Red Hook has emerged as a growing force within the craft brewing community. This beer is certainly hoppy and fairly high in alcohol content, as you would expect from an IPA, but like its identically priced cousin Drifter ($7.50), it is missing signature hooks that would solicit any rave reviews. If you’re an every night drinker like Bill Brasky, this will be a tad lighter on the pocketbook while still giving hop addicts their sweet sweet mommy. And I will close with another pointless statement: the label design looks cool. |
| Kona Pipeline Porter |
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This beer is delicious! Although it’s a rarity on store shelves, this beer is a must-buy if spotted. You will not be disappointed… Come on, though, does anything shitty come out of Hawaii? This porter is a dark, roasty, heavily malted brew with a coffee-oatmeal flavor and a slightly sweet finish. Kona town is famous for its coffee, and they would most likely be ashamed of themselves if they didn’t make a beer that showcased that natural flavor. Their flagship brew, Fire Rock Pale Ale, is available year round, although it is much less noteworthy than the porter. |
| Turbodog |
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Abita Brewing is the pride and joy of Louisiana, along with overalls, the groundbreaking Beads for Tits legislation (1969), and Drew Brees. Turbodog is one of Abita’s landmark beers, along with Purple Haze, a raspberry infused treat (also available at Publix… what d’ya know?). Turbodog is a porter, and if you’re new to beer (don’t tell anyone), this means that it is a darker, smoother, creamier, richer, and generally lower in alcohol beer. Turbodog’s turbidity belies its darkness; this is an easy to drink brew with a fresh, fizzy follow sure to please fans of serious suds. And if you disagree, GTFO: regardless of its middle of the road drinkability, this beer is breaking down barriers and offering the olive branch of tasty beer to nervous swill drinkers across America. Some neophytes may find it too much to handle, but really, that should be read as “YOU WON’T, FGT!” |
| Spaten Optimator |
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Sweet, sweet motherland! Spaten Optimator has been around so long that Bill Brasky used to drink it from the bottle as a baby, and it’s just as good now as it was back then. Publix carries a fair variety of German beers, but Optimator is among the elite. Its deep copper color and rich finish make Optimator the most classic definition of a good brew. Spaten has quite a variety of beers, including an Oktoberfest that is worth picking up (Publix of course carries this), but Optimator is their annual powerhouse. If you’re a fan of Yuengling, Optimator is like its big brother. One final warning about some ‘German’ beers… Anheuser Busch currently is the owner/producer of Grolsch, Beck’s, and Leffe. Brasky urges you to avoid beers under the Evil Empire’s control, even though (unbeknownst to us at the time) last installation’s Hoegaarden is also now owned by the conglomerate. |
I will add a final note regarding these beer choices: some of the above listed beers are seasonal, and are thus not available all the time. Also, each Publix is fairly unique as to what beers they carry. I select these posts based on what is available at the Publix on Fowler Avenue in Tampa, Florida (near the University of South Florida). That being said, commence bitching.
“WHERE SHOPPING CAN PROBABLY GET YOU LAID”
For those not familiar with the company, Publix is easily the finest grocery store in the Southeast. Publix has locations in five states, most of which are in Florida (over 700 locations), and also most of which are teeming with crowds of attractive 18-40 year old women. I can liken it to the Wegman’s or Raley’s of the South, except without the apostrophes. Publix is famous for being a service and selection leader when it comes to supermarket and consumer goods, as can be seen by the numerous awards listed on their website. But aside from highlighting Publix’s propensity to suck its own collective dick, I have decided to step up to the mic and honor their admirable offerings by enlightening our readers of five great beers that most Publix locations carry, and more importantly, that you should routinely drink.
| 1. Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA |
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The barrels that Dogfish Head uses to brew their IPAs are made from the ribs of Brasky’s enemies. The 90 minute IPA is the middle ground of their offerings so far as strength goes, which in turn means that it is still a true ass-kicker. The aroma will be sweet like molasses and you will probably get spun on just two of these guys. I must warn you of sticker shock, however: first, you’ll say “Holy shit, eleven bucks?”, then you’ll say “Holy shit, only four beers?”, but hey, you know you spent nine bucks on a single Miller Lite at that hockey game you went to last week, so the least you can do is take a hint and drink some tasty beer. It is an IPA, so expect it to be extremely hoppy and dark in color, aka: bitter, aromatic, and high in calories. |
| 2. Rogue Dead Guy Ale |
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Our friends up in Portland, Oregon are real American heroes of brewing, and Rogue has finally made it down to Florida. Although Publix only carries Dead Guy Ale, the flagship brand of Rogue Brewing, you will not be disappointed. Dark and rich, six packs are a little on the pricy side, but once you go Rogue, you… ugh, Jesus, I lost my train of thought. Oregon, beer, hmm… Uhh, the other Rogue beers are also delicious – try the Shakespeare Stout or the Juniper IPA (unfortunately not available at Publix… yet). |
| 3. Harpoon IPA |
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If you’re a New Englander, Harpoon ought to be a warm, fuzzy, familiar sight. It should set you back about eight bucks or so for a sixer… It’s a typical IPA, it’s going to be flavorful, slightly bittersweet with notes of citrus. You know what, If you don’t know what an IPA tastes like at this point, you probably just tossed a little plastic ball into a cup then drank the hairy swill from the bottom. So needless to say this is probably tolerable by comparison. |
| 4. Hoegaarden |
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What is this fruity shit? I too was embarrassed to admit that I liked Hoegaarden when I first tried it. I mean, who serves a beer with an orange in it? Wait, that’s a lemon? Get over it, compadre. Hoegaarden is Dutch, and although all Dutch customs are not to be trusted (wooden shoes? mayonaise on everything?), they know how to make wheat beers. This beer is archetypal witbeir, which means it’s I-just-took-a-vitamin-and-pissed yellow, and frothy with a big floral smell. Again, a six pack is probably going to be around eight bucks or so, depending on whatever enticing sale Publix is putting on at this point. And here’s a tip: women typically like wheat beers, so when you’re picking up something for a date, if you want to seem cultured to some degree, give Hoegaarden a shot. |
| 5. Orange Blossom Pilsner |
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Florida beer isn’t just Landshark, son! OBP is some tasty stuff, and the lightest of all the beers appearing on this list. Not only do the brewers proudly tout their Florida heritage, the stuff is sweet and tasty like Orange Blossom Honey, which we all know is what Brasky uses to brush his teeth. Lower in alcohol content and high in date success factor, OBP is a fun, accessible drink. A six pack is about nine bucks, which is sort of pricey, but supporting local brewing is crucial to success and reputation, so, in that respect, buy the shit out of it, and buy Ybor Gold as well. It too is available at most Publixes. Publices? Publicks? |
In addition to all of these fine beers, Publix also sells Sierra Nevada, Negro Modelo, Warsteiner, Newcastle, Smithwicks, and so many more — I got a 12 pack of Kirin Ichiban for 11 bucks the other night. Damn, Publix! When are we going to be able to get kegs?
