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Articles written by: Aaron
visit my websiteAaron is a Grad Student in Environmental Engineering at USF. He doesn't know what that is either.
The Strange Fate of Abraham Shakespeare
Most lottery winners say something to the effect of “…the money won’t change me,” or “I’m still on a budget”. But what most lottery winners don’t anticipate is that though they may not change themselves, others may change them. And if there were no others to begin with, there will be soon enough. Abraham Shakespeare claims to have given the last three dollars in his wallet to a homeless man just minutes before his winning lottery numbers were called. On Thursday, his remains were excavated from a shallow grave under a concrete slab behind a rural Plant City building. This is a true story of envy, greed, murder, and circumstances that seem to be straight out of a Norman Mailer novel. This is the strange fate of Abraham Shakespeare.
Photo: Shakespeare’s mug shot (AP)
Abraham Shakespeare didn’t have a high school education. He could barely read and write, lived with his mother, and found odd jobs between stints in jail for battery and burglary. The 43 year old truck driver’s assistant from Polk County, Florida, was constantly behind on his child support payments from multiple children he had fathered but had nothing to do with. If anyone needed a 30 million dollar jackpot in late 2006, it was probably Shakespeare. With a crumpled five dollar bill, he bought a lottery ticket in the small town of Frostproof that would soon change his life forever… and ultimately end it.
From the beginning, Shakespeare was accosted and hounded over his winnings. He claimed just under 17 million dollars in a lump sum payment, and began paying back his debts, including 9,000 dollars in child support payments. He purchased a Nissan Altima and had hopes of starting a foundation for the poor. But his phone never stopped ringing. “If someone asked him for help, he was always trying to help them,” his mother, Elizabeth Walker, said. She claimed that Shakespeare would pay rent and mortgage payments for people that he barely knew, apparently giving a million dollars to an acquaintance of his, known only as “Big Man”. But the first major enemy that Shakespeare made was a co-worker that claimed that Shakespeare had stolen the ticket from him and claimed the prize. Six months later, it took a jury less than an hour to side with Shakespeare. As it turns out, Shakespeare had given truck driver Michael Ford money in order to buy quick picks on one of their stopovers on an overnight delivery trip to Miami, thus the winnings were deemed his, despite appeals from Ford. Yet this challenge was just a sign of things to come. More characters would emerge from obscurity, trying to take advantage of a simple man with a new lease on life, and one of them would succeed above all others.
Dee Dee Moore soon approached Shakespeare in hopes of writing a book about his life. The 37 year old woman had earned a year of probation in 2001 for concocting a scheme where she had faked being carjacked and raped, but there was no way that Abraham Shakespeare could have known this information before allowing Moore into his life, and it is debatable about whether it would have mattered at all. Little is currently known about how their relationship developed, but Moore began spending more and more time with Shakespeare at his new, 6500 square foot home in a gated community, and eventually she began managing his finances. In February 2009, she opened up a limited liability account with a million dollars of his money, with her listed as a signing authority. She quickly bought a corvette and a hummer. As if this weren’t suspicious enough, she produced a video of Shakespeare that featured Abraham claiming that he wanted to move to Jamaica to get away from all the relentless hangers-on that were constantly finding him and seeking money. “They don’t take no for an answer,” he claims in the video, which Moore supplied to a local newspaper, and which she claims was made to ‘protect herself’. April 2009 was the last time that anyone saw Shakespeare.
It wouldn’t have been hard to spot a missing Abraham Shakespeare. He stood six foot five inches, but only weighed roughly 190 pounds. His mother hoped that he was somewhere in the Caribbean, drinking rum from a coconut and enjoying a life that was growing ever distant from the one that had seemed to bring him nothing but trouble. But the plot would continue to thicken. Not only was it suspicious that seven months had elapsed between when Shakespeare was last seen and when he was reported missing, but the only signs of life in those seven months were text messages sent from his phone, and a simple birthday card addressed to his mother, containing cash. When he was reported missing in November, the case began to get media attention, and soon, a growing stack of evidence would begin to magnetically point toward one person: Dee Dee Moore.
Moore filed paperwork to claim five mortgages totaling 370,000 dollars that had been owed to Shakespeare from his previous lending. Stranger still is the 200,000 dollar house that she offered someone in exchange for a false sighting of Shakespeare. Financial records show that Shakespeare (or Moore) spent most of the lottery winnings, which is not hard to do when loaning a million dollars out a time. Records also show that Moore’s company, American Medical Professionals, bought his home for 550,000 dollars last January. In February, she ended her 17 year marriage to the owner of a fill dirt company owner. And all the while, the clues continued to lead nowhere in the direction of a hiding Shakespeare.
In December, Moore admitted to reporters that she had helped Shakespeare disappear, but was now hoping that he would resurface and clear the whole thing up… most likely because her car, home, and belongings were being searched by Polk County detectives. Then, the biggest break of all would come earlier this week, when a Lakeland police officer named Troy McKay Young was arrested and charged with passing information from police databases to Moore in exchange for money. Young became acquainted with Moore in August 2009 when she again used the excuse that the information she wanted and had successfully garnered was simply for a book that she was writing about Shakespeare. Young admitted to the crime, which is a 2nd degree felony. In the same arrest report, authorities claim that Moore was the one that had arranged the birthday card sent to Shakespeare’s mother, paying another relative 5,000 dollars to hand deliver the card. Moore’s story was beginning to unravel.
Days later, authorities began searching a wooded area in nearby Plant City, on the property of a man named Shar Krasniqi. Not surprisingly, Krasniqi is the owner of American Medical Professionals, and is allegedly the boyfriend of Dee Dee Moore. The property on state road 60 is deeded to Krasniqi and is currently rented out by a lawyer by the name of Howard Stitzel, who has ties to both Shakespeare and Moore. No one knows where the tip came from, or when it came, but perhaps authorities took the advice of Eddie Dixon, who, when approached outside of one of Shakespeare’s favorite haunts, told a reporter: “Y’all need to go ask that white woman where that man at.”
After excavating under a 30×30 foot concrete pad on the Plant City property, human remains were found. Reports around the internet range from the brief ‘Remains found in search for Lottery Winner’ to accounts of relatives weeping over the loss of a man with a giving heart, to the skeptical saga of a man who loitered, hit people, questionably came upon money, loaned that money out with greed as the driver, and caught the penalty for such behavior. Although the details may seemingly point in the direction of foul play, there are many stories to consider.
Barbara Jackson, the realtor that sold Shakespeare his home, explains meeting Moore at a small-business conference, where Moore had rolled up beside her in a wheelchair. When Moore recontacted Jackson about interviewing her for the ominous book that Moore had allegedly been writing, Jackson recounts, “When she came to the house, she jumped out of a Hummer, walking. And she was on heels. She said she healed herself through scuba therapy. It wasn’t even two weeks.”
“If it wasn’t for his criminal record, he kind of didn’t exist,” claimed an attorney in the lottery ticket case. “My sense,” another attorney from the same case explains, “was that some of his family members were unhappy with the amount of money he had parceled out to them. Were there people who were jealous? I would assume so.”
Whatever your take on the case, the story is really just beginning. Abraham Shakespeare didn’t just fall asleep in a five foot deep hole and awake to find that a concrete slab had been poured over his head. As open and shut as this case may seem, one cannot expect there not to be some unbelievable new developments as time goes on, leaving us only to wonder: Who really killed Abraham Shakespeare? What lengths will some people go to in order to steal? and What is the definition of justice in this case?
A full timeline of events in the case is being kept at this url. Many reports were compiled in this account, from ABC news to TBO to NBC. We at Brasky.org are not professionals or journalists.
5 Excellent Beers You Can Get at Publix
“WHERE SHOPPING CAN PROBABLY GET YOU LAID”
For those not familiar with the company, Publix is easily the finest grocery store in the Southeast. Publix has locations in five states, most of which are in Florida (over 700 locations), and also most of which are teeming with crowds of attractive 18-40 year old women. I can liken it to the Wegman’s or Raley’s of the South, except without the apostrophes. Publix is famous for being a service and selection leader when it comes to supermarket and consumer goods, as can be seen by the numerous awards listed on their website. But aside from highlighting Publix’s propensity to suck its own collective dick, I have decided to step up to the mic and honor their admirable offerings by enlightening our readers of five great beers that most Publix locations carry, and more importantly, that you should routinely drink.
| 1. Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA | |
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The barrels that Dogfish Head uses to brew their IPAs are made from the ribs of Brasky’s enemies. The 90 minute IPA is the middle ground of their offerings so far as strength goes, which in turn means that it is still a true ass-kicker. The aroma will be sweet like molasses and you will probably get spun on just two of these guys. I must warn you of sticker shock, however: first, you’ll say “Holy shit, eleven bucks?”, then you’ll say “Holy shit, only four beers?”, but hey, you know you spent nine bucks on a single Miller Lite at that hockey game you went to last week, so the least you can do is take a hint and drink some tasty beer. It is an IPA, so expect it to be extremely hoppy and dark in color, aka: bitter, aromatic, and high in calories. |
| 2. Rogue Dead Guy Ale | |
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Our friends up in Portland, Oregon are real American heroes of brewing, and Rogue has finally made it down to Florida. Although Publix only carries Dead Guy Ale, the flagship brand of Rogue Brewing, you will not be disappointed. Dark and rich, six packs are a little on the pricy side, but once you go Rogue, you… ugh, Jesus, I lost my train of thought. Oregon, beer, hmm… Uhh, the other Rogue beers are also delicious – try the Shakespeare Stout or the Juniper IPA (unfortunately not available at Publix… yet). |
| 3. Harpoon IPA | |
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If you’re a New Englander, Harpoon ought to be a warm, fuzzy, familiar sight. It should set you back about eight bucks or so for a sixer… It’s a typical IPA, it’s going to be flavorful, slightly bittersweet with notes of citrus. You know what, If you don’t know what an IPA tastes like at this point, you probably just tossed a little plastic ball into a cup then drank the hairy swill from the bottom. So needless to say this is probably tolerable by comparison. |
| 4. Hoegaarden | |
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What is this fruity shit? I too was embarrassed to admit that I liked Hoegaarden when I first tried it. I mean, who serves a beer with an orange in it? Wait, that’s a lemon? Get over it, compadre. Hoegaarden is Dutch, and although all Dutch customs are not to be trusted (wooden shoes? mayonaise on everything?), they know how to make wheat beers. This beer is archetypal witbeir, which means it’s I-just-took-a-vitamin-and-pissed yellow, and frothy with a big floral smell. Again, a six pack is probably going to be around eight bucks or so, depending on whatever enticing sale Publix is putting on at this point. And here’s a tip: women typically like wheat beers, so when you’re picking up something for a date, if you want to seem cultured to some degree, give Hoegaarden a shot. |
| 5. Orange Blossom Pilsner | |
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Florida beer isn’t just Landshark, son! OBP is some tasty stuff, and the lightest of all the beers appearing on this list. Not only do the brewers proudly tout their Florida heritage, the stuff is sweet and tasty like Orange Blossom Honey, which we all know is what Brasky uses to brush his teeth. Lower in alcohol content and high in date success factor, OBP is a fun, accessible drink. A six pack is about nine bucks, which is sort of pricey, but supporting local brewing is crucial to success and reputation, so, in that respect, buy the shit out of it, and buy Ybor Gold as well. It too is available at most Publixes. Publices? Publicks? |
In addition to all of these fine beers, Publix also sells Sierra Nevada, Negro Modelo, Warsteiner, Newcastle, Smithwicks, and so many more — I got a 12 pack of Kirin Ichiban for 11 bucks the other night. Damn, Publix! When are we going to be able to get kegs?
Hot New Drug Rids You of Scrotum
IMMEDIATE RELEASE – 1/23/2010
TAMPA FLORIDA
Brasky here, with a hot new opportunity that you can’t afford to miss! Are you sick and tired of ecstasy, coke, and LSD? Did mixing these drugs only send you to rehab? Do you often wonder what it would be like to no longer own a scrotum? Well then we have got good news for you!
Introducing Mephedrone! The experimental plant food that gets that seratonin going without all the hassles of illegality! Mephedrone, or Meow Meow as it’s called by fourteen year olds, can be legally purchased from dozens of online sites for a vast range of prices. If Brasky knows you, price will not be an issue! This stuff is a clean high without all that nasty bit about buying from frighteningly sketchy friend of a friends. Pros include euphoria, visceral sensitivity, talkativeness, uncanny interest in mundane topics, heightened awareness, increased confidence, and the ability to perform flawless amateur surgery. Cons include paranoia, itching, addiction, poor financial decision making, nosebleeds, becoming a social pariah, and the distant possibility that the user may tear his or her scrotum free from their body without being upset about doing so.
Just listen to some emphatic customers:
“h0ppinlowrider: Im a meph addict I kill 5g in a night or so.”
“TheCrazyChemist: Snorting this stuff HURTS”
“MephedroneMan: i am going to write an article about the pros and cons of mephedrone and it will be better than anyone else’s”
LIMITED TIME ONLY! Mephedrone has only been around for a couple of years, so make sure to get dangerously far into it now before it gets really hot and the law decides to get involved! Get rid of unwanted testicle retention TODAY!
(Less cheeky legal retainer: Brasky.org does not condone the use of unscheduled or experimental drugs, unless you are one of those people that would probably do it anyway, in which case, bombs away, chief.)
Trends in Music in the Next Decade
Now almost three weeks into 2010, it’s time to look forward to what we can expect from the next decade in music. Although this is always extremely difficult to predict, we here at Brasky can safely say that there are a few general trends that are going to dictate the texture and style of upcoming music. We have pieced together six of the most interesting topics (complete with quick links) after the bump.
- The Case Against Compression
- Anything is the New Punk
- Is Anybody Making Money Anymore?
- Prodigies and Programming
- Music and Art: Synesthesia
- Steal Big, Steal Little
| 1. The Case Against Compression | |
 Photo: Compression, by CesarEveryone’s parents at one time or another told them to ‘turn that racket down!’ when they were listening to their favorite new album, whether that album was Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy, The Ramones’ Rocket to Russia, or the Smashing Pumpkins’ Siamese Dream. But some experts (and plenty of amateurs) admit that, over the last decade, music truly has gotten louder. Any new major label release from artists like Nickelback, Metallica, or Lil Wayne seems to have some curious quality that just makes it seem thick, full, and powerful, when compared to an album like Rubber Soul. That curious quality is referred to as compression, a modification that is applied in the final stages of the production of a song… one that brings the levels of the drums, bass, vocals, and anything else in the song to the same ear-shattering point. This makes the song sound clear, strong, and more than anything else, loud. Some tracks that are anticipated by record labels to be hit singles are compressed even further beyond album levels so that they can be broadcast in full color on the radio, where audio fidelity is typically lost between the station and your antenna. That’s all fine and dandy, but what does this do to our perception of the music? What do we get when the quiet parts of a ballad are louder than they would be live, the bass rattles our license plate off of our bumper, and two measly guitars sound like a rod of solid steel assaulting your ear drums? Listening to top-forty radio has become a tiring experience, solely due to the fact that the songs are playing AT you, and not for you. In the coming decade, there are three foreseeable outcomes. One, compression continues to polish and sheen popular music until listeners begin to think of these songs as a sort of musical fast food: empty calories, little nutritional value, and no nuances of taste. This could drive them to seek more refined and ‘gourmet’ lower fidelity music, songs that would be more palatable and easy on their ears. Or, the second option, compression is phased out due to the growing spectrum of listening options, such as satellite radio, which is clearer and more diverse than local radio broadcasts, or technologies with Pandora or iTrip-like functionality, which allows users to define and play their choice of music over a small area. Both of these future landscapes render radio and ‘radio rock’ passé and troglodytic, but are, unfortunately, unlikely. ‘The Man’ behind media conglomerates supports compression, or rather, doesn’t give a damn if you don’t, and artists with limited exposure and minimal compression are certainly finding niches without threatening the venerable bastion of corporation-supported broadcasts. In fact, independent artists seem to be finding their own response to compression: intentionally copious reverb. Reverb is now applied so liberally it has practically become a watermark of hipster approval. The third foreseeable outcome would be the option of purchasing remastered, or rather, unmastered albums that are more true to the original sound of recording. Over 21,000 Metallica fans signed a petition to remix their recent release Death Magnetic, simply because the entire thing sounded like a jet taking off. Could this be the first wave of rebellion against the over-compressed nature of modern music? |
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| 2. Anything is the New Punk | |
 When the Sex Pistols came out with Never Mind the Bullocks…, most initial reactions were in the ‘horrified’ and ‘rubbish’ range of emotions. This wasn’t music at all, most posited. But that was the point of the emerging wave of ‘punk’ rock – it was anti-music, it said ‘to hell with writing love songs’ and ‘to hell with being classically trained on an instrument’, and the impact that the movement has had has been incalculable, influencing everyone from Devo to Hannah Montana. But when punk becomes the mainstream, what is the new punk? Basement recordings of a woman playing the ukulele and singing songs influenced by the music of Mozambique (see photo: Tune Yards). Total fucking weirdos banging on toy guitars and trash can lids (see: Micachu and the Shapes). Polyrhythmic synthesizer beats with bone-crunching guitar laid over it (see: Battles). Anything is the new punk. What’s been defined up until now as ‘punk’ still has rote chord structures, obvious timbres, and desperately potent lyrical approaches. This can be seen across all of punk’s widely splintered sub-genres… the term punk gets thrown around without abandon, from bands like Wavves to Motorhead. Just because something is loud, fast, or fuzzed out does not drop it into a specific category… remember kids, correlation does not imply causation. Perhaps in a few years we will have a better word than ‘punk’ to describe the erratic tangent of honest music. Categorizing music has become not only an art, but mastery. Is this acid or grime? Dream Pop or Shoegaze? Miscategorization is almost an inevitability. The fragmentation of core musical ambition through 2010 has been tremendous, and we can expect that to continue into the new decade. Expect new Joanna Newsoms to build enormous followings on Youtube, or bands like the Fuck Buttons to embark upon huge national tours. To hell with classification, to hell with anything typical, the new punk is doing whatever the fuck you want and putting it online in hopes that an art student from Portugal will make a video out of it for you and you’ll be able to tour with the Dirty Projectors. |
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| 3. Is Anybody Making Money Anymore? | |
 When Bruce Springsteen goes on tour, people will pay exorbitant amounts of money to hear him trundle through Thunder Road. When the Jonas Brothers put out an album, that thing will sell faster than wine coolers at a John Mayer concert. But, in 2020, will we be seeing albums go platinum anymore? Will there be any physical media left to spin on our ride to work? Will there even be full time musicians left in this world? The music industry is already referred to as ‘the lottery’ by many downtrodden musical acts. And it certainly seems that way. Was Fall Out Boy truly fresh and new when they came out with Grand Theft Autumn, or did they get a huge leg up from their record label? Music is a business, first and foremost. Record companies are most likely to put out albums that test well with their target demographics: namely, 12-16 year old girls. To quote Paul Simon, “I’ve had the pleasure of working with some of the best musicians in the world, and most of them are guys no one has ever heard of.” It’s an old story that pirating music is illegal and blah blah blah. Nothing is going to change the proliferation of music sharing, because, fundamentally, music is intended for the listener, and is thus democratized on an unprosecutable scale. This puts some musicians in a hard financial spot, but with today’s technology, albums recorded in a basement in Minnesota can sound more amazing than something concocted in a West Hollywood mega-studio. This ability frees up the thousands of dollars it would take to record an album with a major record label and puts it to use in more ingenious and useful ways. Radiohead rocked the boat with their 2007 online release of ‘In Rainbows’, and most music pundits claimed that this was the first nail in the coffin of corporate controlled music distribution. But the corporations are hedging their bets behind some key concepts: that people prefer something tangible when they purchase music, that not only do people still have working cd players, but vehicles, where a large portion of music is listened to, come suspiciously equipped with CD players, and that CDs are still cheap enough to produce to remain profitable. But some groups are getting creative with the switch to digital. Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse teamed up with director David Lynch to create a book of photos that comes with a virgin CD-R that is implied to burn anything you would like onto (preferentially the album (Dark Night of the Soul) that DM and SH created but was not physically released), this being due in some large part to legal issues with EMI. Some artists are opting to send tote bags or stickers to fans that download their album from iTunes. Incentivizing a due media change with more practical goods than would be received with a CD purchase is so 2010. |
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| 4. Prodigies and Programming | |
 If you haven’t seen a video of a four or five year old kid playing drum solos that make Neal Peart cry, then you haven’t been doing your duty on the Internet. With all of the ‘Baby Genius: Teach your Little Calamari how to Shred’ videos available, in the next decade we can expect to see a glut of remarkable musical talent. What do we do with all of these young Bucketheads? Perhaps there will be a revival of classical music, which relies heavily on virtuous yet mechanistic performance styles suited to the acquired insanity of playing the Super Mario Brother’s theme at 320 bpm. Maybe metal will see face-melting on levels that make DragonForce sound like Brahm’s lullaby. Even more likely is that virtuosos in any specific style or instrument will utilize the increasingly amazing studio production software currently available to create new sounds and styles that have never been heard before. Creativity is hardly even the term to describe some of the unique soundscapes that can be crafted with just a few hundred dollars worth of equipment and a few drug-fueled nights at home. These programs are becoming more versatile and user-friendly, and the mixing and mastering aspects rival any fifteen-foot long board of old. We have already seen dozens of young talents drop a big bomb of awesomeness on us recently (Nosaj Thing, Owl City, etc.) and I can see this trend continuing. New genres have become wildly popular through nothing but web 2.0 and tube sites, for example, fingerstyle, propagated by the uncanny success of videos by Andy Mckee and Marnie Stern. Whether it be tube sensations or all out albums, the kids are going to be making the rest of us 20 and 30 somethings feel like we have done nothing with our lives. |
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| 5. Music and Art: Synesthesia | |
 Stage shows have always been a part of live music. But what used to be composed of fireworks, laser lights, and strobes, are being replaced by more deliberate, intricate, and inspired visual stimulation. Innovations in LEDs, projection, and laptop-based media presentations make stunning visuals too sweet to pass up for most touring performers, even if it is something as simple as playing old Steamboat Willy style cartoons behind you as you play (like Grandaddy). There are as many ways to go about this as there are bands. Caribou chooses to play in front of a large projected image of psychedelia, resulting in the entire band being bathed in bizarre patterns and images, and Radiohead employs long strands of specially controlled LEDs that create shifting columns of different colors of light that can represent anything from lightning to snowfall. In 2006 Death Cab for Cutie released an entire DVD of short films to accompany their album Plans, films which did not feature members of the band or performance footage, but rather were simply inspired by the music of the album. Perhaps cheapest of all is using ‘found art’ to highlight the music, in other words, photos or videos discovered on the Internet or otherwise, taken with questionable license, for use in performance or production. But moreso than using found art to spice up a performance, we can expect to see fans lending a hand to create dozens of versions of music videos or still art to accompany the music that has touched them, and the artists to embrace this. Perhaps most importantly, this is not likely to have a major impact on ticket prices in the way that a huge extravaganza a la Kiss or (gulp) Great White would. The walls of inspiration and distribution will continue to get shorter. |
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In>Fight the Power, and, honestly, more songs than most music historians can keep track of. The entire genre of funk was pounded out on a random stage in Cincinnati, with James Brown standing there staring at some funky son of a bitch breaking beats on a pearly Vox drum kit. Forty years later, without a dime paid to Clyde, thousands of hours have been spent in the courtroom trying to defend, rather than promote, music’s artistic license, from obscure 1970s artists to record producers like Steve Albini (Nirvana, Pixies, Bush, Joanna Newsom). But can you fight Fight the Power?
Meme Juice 1
Meme mashupz:
Hop Stoopid by Lagunitas
CRYSTAL METH FOR HOP-HEADS
On a recent trip to Northern California, on a beautiful cloudless August day, something fortuitous happened. A small pit stop from Highway 101 would turn out to be one of the most glorious moments of my beer-loving career… for what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a modest little sign acknowledging the presence of Lagunitas Brewing Company, in a non-descript industrial park. After a peek around the corner of the building, we soon found out that yes, it was THAT Lagunitas Brewing Company… the men and women responsible for single-handedly crushing any reason to ever drink shitty beer again. The laid back staff opened their arms to my family and I, and showed us around the bar that they were building on their ‘campus’, one that I sorely wished would have opened two weeks sooner. Regardless, on that August day, I got to see the birthplace of some of my favorite beers.
But there was one thing that I expected to see that I did not. There weren’t five-hundred foot high piles of hops lying around, surrounded by chirping birds, rays of sunlight, and scantily clad women playing medieval instruments. So, I was left to wonder… how do they get Hop Stoopid (and many other of their fine brews) so stinkin hoppy? Maybe it’s a scientific proprietary sleight of hand. Maybe it’s straight up black magic. Maybe they made Hop Stoopid just for themselves; finally, a beer that all the fine folks up in Petaluma could imbibe in secrecy while the fearful masses cowered at the sheer cajones it took to put this much hops in a beverage. But ultimately it doesn’t fucking matter how they do it. Time and time again, Lagunitas saves us hopheads from settling on a beer that just isn’t tasty enough. Isn’t bitter enough. Isn’t drunkifying enough. And for that, I am writing this glorious review.
You don’t even need to get Hop Stoopid in your mouth to know its game. The scent of fresh hops comes pounding out of the bottle at you like it’s Dwight Freeney and your tackle just fell on his ass. The rich malt coloration belies the overall hoppiness… I could make a list of the types of hops involved in the production of this beer, but you don’t have eleventy billion hours and I know you’re already thinking about surfing over to Facebook. Bear with me. Just like this article, I guarantee you the 22 generous ounces will be gone before you know it. And you’ll be feeling all sparkly inside. I must give a caveat, though… if you do not like hops, or ‘bitter beer’, then this beer is absolutely not for you. You will probably take one sip and then make a whole scene out of how gross you think it is. For the rest of us that enjoy this type of flavor, it is everything you expected and more, but you may want a palate cleanser at its conclusion.
8% ABV. 22 ounce Bomber. $7-9
Three Philosophers by Ommegang
What would you say if Brasky were to tell you that there exists a beer, made right here in America, that was nearly ten percent alcohol, came in a corked 750 ml glass, was made from 2% cherries, and sold for eight bucks or so at most respectable beer vendors? Well, if you were as epic as you think you are, you would say ‘Dude, I love Three Philosophers!’
Ommegang Brewery in Cooperstown, New York, continues to bring Belgian beer-geekery stateside. Three Philosophers is an intense brew, dark red in color, and almost indescribable in flavor. At 9.8 percent alcohol, it is not for the weak of heart, or rather for meek beer drinkers. Yet it contains some affable quality that could just win over even the staunchest of swill-lovers… the lingering aroma of cherries and the identifiable sparkle of alcohol make this a crisp, flavorful brew. The official designation is a quadruple-bock, although this beer almost runs over into the ‘unique’ category.
The presentation is also sure to make beer aficionados wet. With a cork rather than a cap, complete with metal champagne twist top accouterments, this beer ought to be saved for celebrations. With enough beer content for two full pints, it makes the perfect date beverage; or, if you are homely and alone, enough to get you tanked. As for pairing with food, this has got to be a strictly dessert beverage. Its powerful malt flavor will undoubtedly work against the average meal, and most likely against any other beer you put before it in your drinking order. Overall, this beer gets high marks, but with a caveat: this is not a casual beer, but one to be enjoyed with the utmost snobbery and the most fiendish tongue that one can muster. Get your taste buds fully prepared before taking on Three Philosophers.
IT (WAS) COLD AS FUCK
UPDATE – Anyone in Florida knows it has been cold (as fuck) for the last few weeks, with some all-time lows being endured. It’s warming up now (Florida winter = 2 weeks), but please enjoy Aaron’s rant.
It’s a well-worn cliche… it just doesn’t get cold in Florida. Florida is just one big sunny beach with Cubans walking around handing out free Dos Equis and cigars to people partying on skyscraper rooftops at 8:30 AM on a Tuesday morning in February. Pop punk bands write songs about how Floridians are so deprived of the splendor of quiet snowfall. Tourists (aka snowbirds) come from around the world to experience the mild winter and shovel out their hard earned money for a go on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, but I’ve got news for them, for you, and for the nasally singer guy from New Found Glory: it gets cold in Florida. In fact, it is cold as FUCK right now.
How cold is ‘fuck’? I’m talking 32 or less, and that’s zero for our canook friends. Last night, it reached 25 degrees in some locations. As you all may know, Florida is 99% water, and, as science tells us time and time again, water freezes at such temperatures. Even the manatees have said ‘fuck this’ and headed out to Cancun. Obligatory Tiger Woods Joke. Most importantly, how is your 90 year old aunt in Boca Raton going to survive? She’s senile, likes to take walks, and has NO CENTRAL HEAT. Meanwhile, the headlines of the newspapers read ‘I WOUDNA LEFF JERSEY IFFA KNEW IDDA BEEN THIS COLD!’ and the oranges are shivering on the vines. And yes, we Floridians know that citrus is the only good thing to come out of Florida. We’re trying to save it by spraying it with ice. Yeah. That’s what you do. To save the fruit from the cold. Freeze it.
That’s all I can really say for now, I’m headed out to the corner to sell cheap sweaters for thirty bucks a pop to all the confused Brazilians looking for Busch Gardens.
