5 More Publix Beer Cheers February 22, 2010 2 comments +	By Aaron

Time for another Publix dick-riding session! The following five beers are not the craziest, tastiest, or most amazing beers, but they are definitely more cost effective than the last five. These will all set you back about seven to eight bucks a six pack. If you’re not from the south, then you’re probably confused as to what I’m talking about. Publix is a grocery store that specializes in going balls-out for its customers. Its headquarters are in Florida, and the majority of its stores are also located within the penile state. I once read a ‘Laughter is the Best Medicine’ column in Reader’s Digest (the best the doctor’s office could afford) that claimed that a little girl mispronounced the pledge of allegiance by instead saying ‘and to the Publix where we buy our stamps.’ As if the world needed more convincing that little kids are stupid. That being said, we begin our list of Publix-available beers.

Drifter Pale Ale

Kicking off our list is Drifter Pale Ale. This is a mild, tasty offering from the venerable Portland institution Widmer Brewing. Most often I see these six packs for $7.50, which makes this beer, at 5.7% alcohol, a great value for drunkage factor. Ale purists may turn up their nose at the relatively mediocre hops flavor and murky golden amber color present in this brew, but for casual drinkers or people not indoctrinated to crazy shit like DogfishHead’s Palo Santo Marron, it should feel nice on their big toe stuck cautiously in the pool. Widmer is most famous for their Hefeweizen, which is also available at Publix now and then.

Long Hammer IPA

I will begin with a pointless statement: Long Hammer IPA is better from the tap. That being said, this beer still packs a formidable punch in a bottle. Known more for their ESB (extra special bitter), Red Hook has emerged as a growing force within the craft brewing community. This beer is certainly hoppy and fairly high in alcohol content, as you would expect from an IPA, but like its identically priced cousin Drifter ($7.50), it is missing signature hooks that would solicit any rave reviews. If you’re an every night drinker like Bill Brasky, this will be a tad lighter on the pocketbook while still giving hop addicts their sweet sweet mommy. And I will close with another pointless statement: the label design looks cool.

Kona Pipeline Porter

This beer is delicious! Although it’s a rarity on store shelves, this beer is a must-buy if spotted. You will not be disappointed… Come on, though, does anything shitty come out of Hawaii? This porter is a dark, roasty, heavily malted brew with a coffee-oatmeal flavor and a slightly sweet finish. Kona town is famous for its coffee, and they would most likely be ashamed of themselves if they didn’t make a beer that showcased that natural flavor. Their flagship brew, Fire Rock Pale Ale, is available year round, although it is much less noteworthy than the porter.

Turbodog

Abita Brewing is the pride and joy of Louisiana, along with overalls, the groundbreaking  Beads for Tits legislation (1969), and Drew Brees. Turbodog is one of Abita’s landmark beers, along with Purple Haze, a raspberry infused treat (also available at Publix… what d’ya know?). Turbodog is a porter, and if you’re new to beer (don’t tell anyone), this means that it is a darker, smoother, creamier, richer, and generally lower in alcohol beer. Turbodog’s turbidity belies its darkness; this is an easy to drink brew with a fresh, fizzy follow sure to please fans of serious suds. And if you disagree, GTFO: regardless of its middle of the road drinkability, this beer is breaking down barriers and offering the olive branch of tasty beer to nervous swill drinkers across America. Some neophytes may find it too much to handle, but really, that should be read as “YOU WON’T, FGT!”

Spaten Optimator

Sweet, sweet motherland! Spaten Optimator has been around so long that Bill Brasky used to drink it from the bottle as a baby, and it’s just as good now as it was back then. Publix carries a fair variety of German beers, but Optimator is among the elite. Its deep copper color and rich finish make Optimator the most classic definition of a good brew. Spaten has quite a variety of beers, including an Oktoberfest that is worth picking up (Publix of course carries this), but Optimator is their annual powerhouse. If you’re a fan of Yuengling, Optimator is like its big brother. One final warning about some ‘German’ beers… Anheuser Busch currently is the owner/producer of Grolsch, Beck’s, and Leffe. Brasky urges you to avoid beers under the Evil Empire’s control, even though (unbeknownst to us at the time) last installation’s Hoegaarden is also now owned by the conglomerate.

I will add a final note regarding these beer choices: some of the above listed beers are seasonal, and are thus not available all the time. Also, each Publix is fairly unique as to what beers they carry. I select these posts based on what is available at the Publix on Fowler Avenue in Tampa, Florida (near the University of South Florida). That being said, commence bitching.

Tags: Beer Florida review